Motherhood Abandoned – Part 1 The Lies
“Two go in, one leaves dead, the other one leaves wounded” Anonymous
Time after time, the reason you will be given by virtually every woman who had an abortion is “I had no choice”. Few subjects will invite the kind emotional responses that this one will. It is my contention that abortion is the root from where all the other hot button issues spring forth. Because when we allowed the legalized killing of the unborn, those least able to defend themselves, we opened the door to all the other hot button issues we are dealing with now. Guns, vaccines, LGBT, particularly the transgender issue whereby we are now dealing with misinformation, gas lighting, and outright lies.
When it was seen that those tactics were so successful with abortion, the Enemy did not need to invent new tactics if the old ones worked so well. As if that were not enough, some states have legalized abortion up to the time of birth and are considering “post-birth abortion” or infanticide as a legal option.
I have been on both sides of this issue in my lifetime. On April 2, 2019, a post by Doug “Uncola” Lynn about the movie Unplanned generated 300 comments. The movie recounts the experiences of Abby Johnson, a former clinic director for Planned Parenthood. She does not leave out the fact that she had two abortions, one medical and one chemical.
She also admits that she stuffed all of her feelings about her abortions deep down in her soul, so that she could go on with her life as she had planned. I know the tactic she used on herself because I used the same tactic to allow myself to pretend that it hadn’t changed me. I was a young high school student, not a college student as she had been. At age 16, with no counseling whatsoever, I decided the best thing for me to do was kill my child(ren). I put that in parenthesis because there is reason to believe I was pregnant with twins.
There are a lot of things in my past I have forgotten the details about, but that is one part of my life where I can tell you nearly every detail about that day. How hot it was that day; the color of the walls of the abortion…I guess it could have been called a clinic but what it really was, was a part of an old segregation hospital that had been abandoned for years.
A floor had been re-opened, not renovated mind you, just painted, cleaned and opened for business. I remember what the “doctor” looked like..a space man in scrubs and a facemask. You rarely talk to the doctor, that is a lie they like to tell you, that it is “between a woman and her doctor”. I remember the arguments I had with my mother, well not really arguments because I said very little.
It was just her lecturing me as we traveled to and from. I remember what that first night was like…horrible cramping and no pain relief. I could not call for my mother as I would get no sympathy from her. I remember how I felt the next day…exhausted and crying. She asked me why I was crying. “I killed my baby” I told her. “That was my grandchild” she said. We never talked about it again. As far as I know, she never told my father.
The day after that, however, I felt better and I did manage to stuff those feelings deep down inside. For the next 30 years I managed to go about life as if it never happened. But I never forgot. I made that decision because I believed I had no choice.
This essay is not about me in particular but to ask the question “Can we really have an honest conversation about abortion?” The pro-abortion side does not want an honest conversation to take place. It would be bad for business. A women sitting there in the clinic is in a panic and making decisions with only one thought in her mind. I am trapped. How do I get out of this mess now? Right NOW! Alarm bells are going off in her head, she can’t think straight and she has tunnel vision. The abortion clinic “counselor” knows this and exploits it to the maximum.
There are many lies and half-truths floating around that need to be addressed in order for an honest conversation to even begin to take place. First, you must try to remove the emotion from the subject. That is a very hard thing to do because emotions very much play a part in these decisions; even those who have never been there still have strong opinions.
I think the first thing we need to get out of the way is the lie that there is “no choice”. You hear that word a lot from both sides. What do they mean when they use that word, choice? I believe that the abortion clinic wants its clients to believe they have no choice. They want women to believe abortion is their only choice.
When one finds themselves in that predicament, there are actually 3 choices and all of them are hard and not without consequences. The clinic “counselor” may not even bring up two of them and if she does, she will gloss over them and make it seem like they are not really choices at all.
You can carry the baby and make an adoption plan. You can carry the baby and raise the child yourself. You can have the abortion and the problem will be solved immediately.
Crisis Pregnancy Centers exist in cities and towns all over the country to help women work through these choices. Admittedly, some are better than others. No one dies when they walk out of one unless she walks right into an abortion clinic afterword. In my area, Advice and Aid Pregnancy Center has been in business since 1983. When they acquired an ultrasound machine their success rate with preventing women from having an abortion skyrocketed to over 80%. That is why the abortion clinic does not allow the client to see their ultrasound. Advice and Aid will give a woman the latest information about abortion procedures. If the women still insists on having an abortion, she can literally walk across the parking lot to Planned Parenthood and schedule the procedure. If she decides to carry, they will walk with her in that venture until the child turns 3 years old if, she so desires.
Each one of those choices will have consequences attached to them. The clinic “counselor” may or may not talk about 1 and 2, if they do, they will barely touch on them because their existence depends on their clients always picking number 3. They will always turn the conversation to abortion and be as vague as possible about the procedure and the after affects. To understand why they continue to lie, I think it is necessary to understand a bit about the history of legalized abortion in the United States. It was founded on lies and can only continue to operate by lying. I will confine the history to a summary related to the twentieth century only.
Planned Parenthood was founded by a group of eugenicists headed by Margaret Sanger with the help of Emma Goldman, Rose Pastor Stokes, Fania Mindell, and Ethel Byrne just to name a few. Their political views are quite interesting and if you are a history buff, I encourage you to look further into their political beliefs. In 1922 the Planned Parenthood name was adopted for her birth control and “family planning” clinics and she expanded to high-minority low income areas.
“Despite Sanger’s belief that birth control creates a door for the eugenicist, the two movements had yet to formally connect. This was due to the fact that Sanger was a strong advocate of negative eugenics, not positive eugenics (Black 135). She was a die-hard feminist and liberal sex crusader that thought multiple children were a chain and ball on female independence (Grant 73-75). But as post-World War II eugenicists searched for avenues to funnel their vice, Planned Parenthood became a worthy candidate.
During the early forties, Margaret Sanger instituted The Negro Project. The goal was to pull African American leaders and preachers into the movement so as to make the black community embrace the concepts birth control. In a letter she wrote to her cohort Dr. Clarence Gamble, she said, “we do not want word to go out that we want to exterminate the Negro population, and the minister is the man who can straighten out the idea if it ever occurs to any of their more rebellious members” (Green “Web of Deceit”).
In a speech Frederick Osborn gave at the annual Galton Lecture in 1956, he said, “Let’s stop telling everyone that they have generally inferior genetic qualities for they will never agree. Let’s base our proposals on the desirability of having children in homes where they will get affectionate and responsible care, and perhaps our proposals will be accepted” and that from this rebirth we may “see [eugenics] moving at last toward the high goals which Galton set for it” (Cavanaugh-O’Keefe, The Roots Chapter Ten).”
While the effort to widely dispense birth control and legalize abortion is tied together, the subject of birth control must be set aside for the time being. In the mid 1960’s, after the birth control pill became widely available, Planned Parenthood would turn its focus to legalize abortion and so began a propaganda campaign like none other seen before.
Americans were subjected to an array of myths about illegal abortions. Stories of butchers who preyed on women in back alleys and women dying from self-inflicted wounds from coat hangers and knitting needles were made up and widely disseminated. Statistics in the tens of thousands of deaths from these back alley or self-inflicted abortions were used to convince people that illegal abortion was a plague upon society that had to be ended.
Two attorneys who were looking for a case to use to overturn the abortion laws found Norma McCorvy aka Jane Roe. Ms. McCorvy later regretted her part in it and recanted everything in her testimony that was used in the landmark case.
“The affidavit submitted to the Supreme Court didn’t happen the way I said it did, pure and simple. I lied! Sarah Weddington and Linda Coffey needed an extreme case to make their client look pitiable. Rape seemed to be the ticket. What made rape even worse? A gang rape! It all started out as a little lie, but my little lie grew and became more horrible with each telling.
Not only did I lie, but I was lied to. I did not come to the Supreme Court on behalf of a class of women. I wasn’t pursuing any legal remedy for my unwanted pregnancy. I did not go to the federal courts for relief. I met with Sarah Weddington to find out how I could obtain an abortion…. Sarah and Linda were looking for somebody, anybody, to use to further their own agenda. I was their most willing dupe.
Since all these lies succeeded in dismantling every state’s protection of the unborn, I think it’s fair to say that the entire abortion industry is based on a lie”
So what about those statistics that said women were dying by the tens of thousands because abortion was illegal? Live Action studied this particular question and reported back:
“It is difficult to find credible estimates of the number of deaths associated with illegal abortion. One estimate, which has been frequently quoted, is between 5,000 and 10,000 deaths per year. That is hardly plausible, considering that the total number of deaths of women aged 15-44 from all causes in the United States is approximately 50,000 annually, and the total number of deaths due to abortion reported by the National Center for Health Statistics (NCHS) has been below 500 since 1958 and below 100 since 1971.
Planned Parenthood’s own Medical Director, Mary Calderone, proclaimed in 1959 that “abortion was no longer a dangerous procedure because it was being committed by competent physicians. They must do a pretty good job if the death rate is as low as it is. Whatever trouble arises usually comes after self-induced abortions, which comprise approximately 8 per cent, or with the very small percentage that go to some kind of nonmedical abortionist.”
The Guttmacher Institute states that in 1930 there were 2700 deaths from abortions. The death rate had dropped to half that by 1940 and continued a downward trend, widely attributed to the use of antibiotics, so that by 1967 the death toll had dropped to 167.
Who is responsible for those highly inflated numbers that were used in the Roe v Wade court case? That person is Dr. Nathan Abramson, the founder of the National Abortion Rights Action League (NARAL). Propagating the myth that as many as 10,000 women a year were dying from “back alley abortions” was essential to convince seven justices that legalized abortion would be the only way to save the lives of women who would certainly die if they ruled against it. Dr. Abramson later admitted inflating those numbers in his book The Abortion Papers. Those figures were chosen because they were a “nice, round shocking figure”.
Before Roe v Wade made abortions legal, “therapeutic” abortions were fairly easy to attain in a majority of states. The physical and mental health of the mother was taken in to consideration and all a mother needed to do was to state that she was suicidal to attain a legal “therapeutic” abortion. I have heard personal stories of these kinds of abortions and their experiences were quite different than the stories of women who had a post Roe v Wade abortion. The difference of a hospital setting and the stand alone clinics that we have now is stark.
Deaths from self-induced so called “coat hanger” abortions have been mythologized as well. Again quoting the paper Mary Calderone presented to the American Public Health association in 1955:
“Whatever trouble arises usually comes after self-induced abortions, which comprise approximately 8 per cent (of deaths attributed to abortions), or with the very small percentage that go to some kind of nonmedical abortionist.”
This is not to make light of those deaths. Certainly those were tragedies. Better care was available in the hospital setting than women are getting now. We are still being mis-led about the safety of the current stand-alone clinics, as well as how safe and effective medical and surgical abortions are.
The first line of defense to continuing a pregnancy is emergency contraception, or the Morning After Pill. Emergency contraception is available over the counter in a non-prescription form. The brand name, ella, supposedly more effective, is only available by prescription. There is much confusion as to just how effective these forms of ECPs really are:
“Despite speculations and research, there is still no conclusive evidence that ECPs are effective at preventing pregnancy once ovulation (or fertilization) has occurred.”
You pay your money, and you take your chances. Then you wait to see if it did, indeed, work. I found it interesting that at that same link they note that it “doesn’t matter what your age or gender is” you can still buy it. She must let three weeks pass and if no period appears, then she needs to take a pregnancy test.
Her next option is a medical abortion, generically known as Mifepristone. The Mifepristone pill is taken on the first day to cause the embryo to detach from the uterus, two days later a different drug, Misoprostol, is taken to cause uterine contractions.
Many times, the woman is at home alone. This can be a very bloody and painful procedure that can drag out for over 3 days. It is neither simple nor inexpensive. Price varies depending on location. The average seems to be $500. How convenient for the abortion provider. They charge you a cool $500 and no fuss, no mess for the clinic. The woman “may” have an ultrasound to determine gestational age. She goes home and tucks herself into bed after her 2nd dose. In spite of the fact that they do give her a quick counsel, and there is a package insert, she is in no way prepared for what will happen next.
Abby Johnson dramatized this in the movie Unplanned and if you did not see it, Doug “Uncola” Lynn described the scene in his essay “Five Insights Gleaned From The Movie “Unplanned”.
“She followed the clinic instructions, lay down on her bed at home, and mentally prepared herself for some mild discomfort. In this blogger’s opinion, what transpired onscreen next surpassed the “shower scene” in Alfred Hitchcock’s “Psycho”.
Personally, I would say that is a mild description. The scene would put the best horror movie to shame. Would every woman’s experience be the same? Probably not but a miscarriage, regardless of whether it is spontaneous or induced, is always going to involve some pain and lots of blood.
Once that is over, she is still not done.
“The last step is a follow up with your nurse or doctor. You may go back into the health center for an ultrasound or blood test. Or you’ll get a pregnancy test to take at home, followed by a phone call with your nurse or doctor. These tests will make sure the abortion worked and that you’re healthy.”
What kinds of complications can follow a medical abortion?
Originally the FDA recommendation was for the patient to come back to the clinic two days after the first pill is taken. But this was updated in 2016 and the clinic website does not indicate that requirement. Strict instructions are given for the patient to follow and we only have what the trials indicated in the package insert regarding complications. Included at the top is this boxed warning:
WARNING: SERIOUS AND SOMETIMES FATAL INFECTIONS OR BLEEDING See full prescribing information for complete boxed warning. Serious and sometimes fatal infections and bleeding occur very rarely following spontaneous, surgical, and medical abortions, including following MIFEPREX use.
• Atypical Presentation of Infection. Patients with serious bacterial infections and sepsis can present without fever, bacteremia or significant findings on pelvic examination. A high index of suspicion is needed to rule out serious infection and sepsis. (5.1) • Bleeding. Prolonged heavy bleeding may be a sign of incomplete abortion or other complications and prompt medical or surgical intervention may be needed. (5.2) MIFEPREX is only available through a restricted program called the MIFEPREX REMS Program (5.3). Before prescribing MIFEPREX, inform the patient about these risks. Ensure the patient knows whom to call and what to do if she experiences sustained fever, severe abdominal pain, prolonged heavy bleeding, or syncope, or if she experiences abdominal pain or discomfort or general malaise for more than 24 hours after taking misoprostol. Advise the patient to take the MEDICATION GUIDE with her if she visits an emergency room or another healthcare provider who did not prescribe MIFEPREX, so that provider knows that she is undergoing a medical abortion. (5.1, 5.2)
Based on the most recent statistics I could find, there are somewhere between 900,000 and 1,000,000 abortions occurring yearly since 2014. These same statistics indicate that 31% of these were medical abortions. At least 3-5% of these require a surgical abortion following the medical abortion. That’s as many as 15,000 women. 3-5% doesn’t seem like a lot unless you are one of those women.
I think I have ventured far enough into the weeds. It’s impossible to really find out how many women have been adversely affected physically.
If she misses the timetable for having a medical abortion or for some other reason she must have a surgical abortion then that will be the next step. The procedure is violent and invasive. But that is not how it is described by the clinic.
“a small, hand-held suction device or suction machine to gently take the pregnancy tissue out of your uterus”
Motherhood Abandoned Part 2: The Fallout
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This Selfie Turned into the Biggest Embarrassment
Guest Post by Mary Christine
“Now she’s feeling more alone than she ever has before.” Ben Folds
Read Part One
The next day, I stuffed all of those feelings deep down inside and went on with life as if nothing ever happened. Many of us are very good at emotionally numbing ourselves so that we can appear to function normally after dealing with this kind of trauma. We just keep on keeping on. It’s really not that easy, though. The impact this has on us both physically and emotionally is great. The scientific community likes to pretend that there is no impact. One small study of about 800 women comparing PTSD symptoms between women who obtained an abortion with women who were unable to obtain an abortion found no difference in PTSD symptoms. It did admit that:
“This study has some limitations. Findings from this study are limited to symptoms of PTSD. Without clinical diagnosis, we were unable to assess whether women went on to develop full PTSD. Furthermore, we were unable to precisely identify the source of women’s trauma. In-depth qualitative interviews about women’s lives would have been better able to explore the coexisting stresses and complex life experiences that may have contributing to symptoms of PTSD.”
In other words, this study was a waste of time and money. No widespread unbiased studies have been done because of the politics behind it. There would be a terrible price to pay for the abortion industry if it was ever shown that abortion damages the mothers and fathers whose lives have been altered because of the after effects of abortion. Because abortion is all about women’s health, right?
An internet search for Post-Abortion Syndrome will return links to Ramah International, a Christian ministry dedicated to helping women and men recover from the after-effects of abortion. Another link will take you to AfterAbortion.org, a private organization dedicated to researching the physical and mental effects abortion has had on women. According to their website:
“There is no disagreement over the fact that abortion may trigger, worsen, or exacerbate mental health problems, but rather the main controversy is over whether abortion is ever the sole cause of severe mental illnesses, according to David Reardon, director of the Elliot Institute and author of the review published in Sage Open Medicine. Additional conflicts arise over how known facts are best interpreted and over the definition of key terms.
Notably, while many pro-choice activists dismiss the idea of any link between abortion and mental health issues, this denial of any and all links is supported by AMH minimalists whose own research has confirmed higher rates of mental illness following abortion for some women.
For example, even the hand-picked team of abortion-supporting psychologists who wrote the 2008 Report of the American Psychological Association Task Force on Mental Health and Abortion, acknowledged that “it is clear that some women do experience sadness, grief, and feelings of loss following termination of a pregnancy, and some experience clinically significant disorders, including depression and anxiety.”
Indeed, the APA Task Force went further, identifying at least 15 risk factors which can be used to identify the women who are at greater risk of psychological problems after an abortion:
“terminating a pregnancy that is wanted or meaningful” “perceived pressure from others to terminate a pregnancy” “perceived opposition to the abortion from partners, family, and/or friends” “lack of perceived social support from others” “low self-esteem” “a pessimistic outlook” “low perceived control” “a history of mental health problems prior to the pregnancy” “feelings of stigma” “perceived need for secrecy” “exposure to antiabortion picketing” “use of avoidance and denial coping strategies” “feelings of commitment to the pregnancy” “ambivalence about the abortion decision” “low perceived ability to cope with the abortion prior to the abortion”
I would encourage you to go to the link to the entire article. It’s a rather long but very informative article that gives you a well-balanced insight into both sides of the argument.
I think we can agree that pregnancy, regardless of whether it is planned or unplanned, will change your life. Even when you think you are ready to have a child you are confronted with all kinds of physical and emotional changes that you have to learn to deal with. Our minds are in turmoil as we question how we are going to deal with the upheaval. As women, our bodies are changing quickly. A flood of hormones puts our emotions on a roller coaster up and down. Crying jags can come on for what seems to be no apparent reason. If the pregnancy is unexpected, then we are dealing with even more emotional turmoil and it can be very hard, if not impossible to make a reasoned decision when we are in this state. The abortion industry knows this and women who are in a panic are easily convinced that having an abortion will solve all of our problems.
When we choose that option, it does seem to solve the immediate problem, at least in the short term. It does not relieve any of the problems that existed before the woman became pregnant. It is true that someone died so that we could deal with the rest of our lives the same way we were dealing with them before the pregnancy. Either way, abortion or not, there are consequences.
Statistics have gone back and forth between 1 in 3 and 1 in 4 women who have had at least one abortion by the age of 44. Half of those women will go back for a 2nd abortion, many times, within the next year. My mentor once had a woman walk into her office and confess that she had had 10 abortions. As peer-to-peer lay counselors, we are trained to help the post-abortive mother. We are also trained to know when to send them to get professional help. This woman was so far gone that my friend said she wasn’t sure that she could ever recover.
So we make our choice, and we stuff those feelings way deep down inside so that we can continue to function. Or do we? What kind of emotional blowback is there after an abortion? A year ago I wrote an essay entitled “What Really Made Women Go Nuts?” in response to another essay entitled “Why Did Women Go Nuts?”. Neither essay addressed the proliferation of abortion, although the subject came up in comments under both.
Since 1972 abortion went from around 100,000 a year, which was a rough estimate to about 1.5 million a year. What are the underlying emotional problems that arise after an abortion? Maybe we should first examine what are the most common reasons women have them in the first place?
Number one on the list is “Having a baby would dramatically change my life”. Coming in at a close second is “financial strain”. Relationship problems and a desire to avoid single motherhood are also high up on the list. The health of the mother and fetal health factored in, as well as women who have decided they are done bearing children.
Done bearing children. The surprise baby. Born 17 years after my brother, with no siblings in between, I was a surprise baby. If my mother had decided she didn’t want to start all over again raising another child I would not be here. All she had to do was tell the doctor that she would commit suicide if she had to continue the pregnancy. She was embarrassed enough to quit her job before she began to show. I don’t believe that maternity leave was offered back then so she would have had to quit anyway. I wonder how many of us would not be here if abortion had been legal much earlier than 1973? But I digress.
We always feel like abortion is our only choice. That’s rather ironic, isn’t it? Very few women will consider adoption. The reason given for this aversion to adoption is that it is wrong to give your baby away to someone else. I can relate to that feeling. I did not want to carry a baby for nine months, only to give it away for someone else to raise. Honestly, ever since then I have looked in awe and admiration at women who were able to do that. At least they let their child have a chance at life.
There is no doubt that an unplanned pregnancy feels like a crisis. Pregnancies that result from rape or incest can certainly be called a crisis, but those pregnancies are quite rare and even women who have abortions for those will have emotional problems that are not solved by the abortion. Pregnancy is a part of life but we have turned it into a disease that needs to be remedied.
This Selfie Turned into the Biggest Embarrassment
People who have never had to deal with an unplanned or unwanted pregnancy will commonly ask why, when there are so many options for birth control available, is this such a big problem for society? The answer to that question is complicated. The short answer is that for many women, hormonal birth control, which is the most reliable form of birth control, is not really as reliable as it is stated on the package inserts. Hormonal birth control must be taken at the same time of day, every day, without missing a single pill to reach the upper 90% effective target. Any variation from this and the reliability begins to drop. Other drugs can interfere with the efficacy. Many women have unpleasant side effects and are unable to take them. The biggest reason seems to be that women and men either are not consistent with it or they don’t practice it at all.
60 million abortions since 1973 are the result of our sexual escapades. Do you think it is possible to have that many people dealing with the kinds of emotional blowback that underlies abortions and have a sane society? If it feels like society is becoming more and more insane, there has to be a reason for it.
Some of the most common emotional difficulties that women experience after an abortion are:
Flashbacks or nightmares Compulsive thoughts and feelings that started after the abortion Suicidal thoughts or feelings Depression or anxiety Lack of attachment to your children (bonding issues) Self-hatred Shame Social isolation Relationship difficulties Compulsive or addictive behaviors that started after abortion Anger
Do you ever wonder why the divorce rate is so high? No doubt there are other reasons but relationship difficulties following an abortion are bound to factor in. You see, we never link having an abortion to any of the other problems we might be having in our lives.
I really did go on to function as normal, married mother of two children for many years after my abortion. At least that is what I thought. A health crisis in my early 40’s caused me to think back on my life and even though I was very pro-choice at the time, I began to think about my abortion. I began to believe that I deserved to die for what I had done and no matter how I tried to divert my attention, those thoughts would not go away. Eventually, the crisis was remedied and the thoughts did go away for a while.
About a year later I had an encounter with the Lord and became a Christian. Sometimes this will change the minds of people immediately but more often than not, it’s a process and I remained pro-choice for a couple years after that.
One evening, I happened to be watching Fox News and Bill O’Reilly was interviewing actress Jennifer O’Neil. She had written a book about her experiences with abortions and her testimony brought me to tears. It forced me to look at my abortion from a different angle than I ever had before. Over the next few days I came to the decision that I wanted to help other women, not really understanding that in order to help others, I had to deal with my own issues that were intertwined within my psyche like the roots of a dandelion.
Fortunately, most crisis pregnancy centers understand this and they will require a volunteer who wants to work directly with clients to go through a post-abortion recovery class before she be in direct contact with the clients. I have spent more than 10 years serving in some capacity with a CPC and later a ministry that serves only post-abortion mothers and fathers. I stepped away from it in the past year but I will serve again, sometime in the near future. There is a definite need for this type of service.
“What do these classes look like?” you might be wondering. They go by different names but they all deal with the emotional stages women go through after an abortion.
Relief Denial Anger Depression Grief
Forgiveness and acceptance are necessary to be able to move past the other stages and the class helps us to learn to do that. Like many of the women that take these classes, I was certain that I understood forgiveness and equally certain that I was not angry with anyone connected with my abortion. I was certain that I had moved past those things years before. I was wrong, and most of the time, they are too. Women don’t want to open up those old wounds but there is infection still there and it nearly always rears its head as we journey through the class.
Occasionally there is a woman who, it seems, has built a brick wall made of ice around her heart and we facilitators wonder if we are having any impact.
Forgiveness is the hardest brick to remove. It’s hard enough to forgive others who were involved in some way with our decision. When it comes to forgiving ourselves, that takes it to a whole new level. Scripturally there is nothing in the Bible about forgiving ourselves. It’s really not so much about self-forgiveness; it’s more about stopping the self-condemnation.
“4 I sought the Lord, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame Ps 34 NIV
Near the end of the class, we have a memorial for their children. At If Not For Grace Ministries, where I most recently volunteered, we have a weekend retreat and on the final day before we leave to go home, we set up a chapel. We encourage the women to choose an item, or write a letter to memorialize their child who has passed on. This is when we will see the ice break. This is when we will see them finally be able to move on. Never have we had a mother who was not positively affected by this experience.
Always, they believed they did not have a right to grieve. We give them a real chance to put it all behind them, not to forget, because that will never happen, but to finally cut all of the chains they have been dragging around with them. This all may sound weird or creepy but it is not just a Christian issue. Japanese women have their own way of dealing with pregnancy loss and abortion and it’s not by ignoring it, they too have memorials for their lost children.
Very few women will take advantage of these types of classes. Partly because they are unaware they exist and partly because they are afraid to open up those old wounds.
Men are affected as well, and even fewer men will ever be able to put their experience behind them. I wonder, what does it feel like, having no voice in whether your child lives or dies?
“ While studies on the impact of abortion on men are scarce, available research and anecdotal evidence shows that men can experience problems such as broken relationships; sexual dysfunction; substance abuse; feelings of self-hatred; risk-taking and suicidal behavior; increasing feelings of grief over time; feelings of helplessness, guilt, and depression; greater tendencies toward becoming angry and violent; and feelings connected to a sense of lost manhood.”
Numerous musicians have written about their experiences with abortion, even Eminem. It is raw in typical Eminem style. The video is a mini-documentary recounting how he is unable to forget about his child.
“I can’t keep my lies straight, but I made you terminate my baby; This love triangle left us in a wreck, tangled,” he raps. “What else can I say? It was fun for a while, bet I really woulda loved your smile, didn’t really wanna abort, but f*** it — what’s one more lie, to tell our unborn child?”
It is sad, because the insanity will continue until we realize what we are doing to ourselves.
Ben Folds dealt with his memories about his girlfriend’s abortion by writing this song and dramatizing it in his video.
Day after Christmas
I throw some clothes on in the dark
The smell of cold
Car seat is freezing
The world is sleeping
I am numb
Up the stairs to her apartment
She is balled up on the couch
Her mom and dad went down to Charlotte
They’re not home to find us out
And we drive
Now that I have found someone
I’m feeling more alone than I ever have before
She’s a brick and I’m drowning slowly off the coast
And I’m headed nowhere
She’s a brick and I’m drowning slowly
They call her name at 7:30
I pace around the parking lot
And I walk down to buy her flowers and sell some gifts that I got
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